control

This song was sung at our church this morning. It is my Story. You know, the one of finding Love, the true kind, in a Father God – a Daddy God. The God who, with His strong and beautiful and trustworthy hands, controls everything that I try to control with my own small ones.

I did not know a song existed that could so completely express it. Voices, stolen peace, attempted (and failed) perfection, lost fights with expectations, illusions… and then the inexplicable peace when I could finally breathe because I knew that Someone Else was holding it all together – had been the whole time, and that that Someone loved me.

Is there a song that tells your Story?

Control – JJ Heller

The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me
It doesn’t hurt enough to make me forget
One moment of relief is never long enough
To keep the voices in my head
From stealing my peace

Oh, control
It’s time, time to let you go

Perfection has a price
But I cannot afford to live that life
It always ends the same; a fight I never win

Oh, control
It’s time, time to let you go

I’m letting go of the illusion
I’m letting go of the confusion
I can’t carry it another step
I close my eyes and take a breath
I’m letting go, letting go

There were scars before my scars
Love written on the hands that hung the stars
Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me

Oh, control
It’s time, time to let you go…
Control
It’s time, time to let you go

on busses and bowling alleys

He’s standing there, perhaps 10 feet away, oblivious to me. I know this because I asked him, years later. He doesn’t notice me but he is the only thing I am noticing.

Tall, confident stance, gentle eyes, red hair, laughing mouth.

Mingled in with dozens of other faces I don’t know, we take the bus and arrive at the bowling alley. I feel like a kid on a field trip, a school girl with a crush on a boy she has gazed at countless times but never spoken to… though I’ve only gazed once.

Strangers are grouped in sixes and sent along to lanes. Can you imagine how my heart quickens when he is placed in a group with me? I note as we are setting up the game that his name is Chris.

He’s good. He’s the only one making strikes in our hastily thrown-together group of forced acquaintances. He’s grumbling, though, to himself about doing poorly.

I – I, who had never initiated a conversation with a stranger in her life, most especially a strange boy. I, who had been known my entire social life as “the quiet one” – I spoke.

“You’re too hard on yourself.”

I think he is startled to hear from me. Most people are when I speak up. I’m not entirely certain where it came from myself. He makes some comment, dismissing my observation.

I smile. I smile?? Who is this guy going to think I am??

It’s my turn. I bowl decently – though I have since found that my un-athletic skill set is more in the area of wii bowling. I sit back down and… oh my gosh, I think I just kicked someone under the table! I look up, startled and sheepish, and he is looking at me. He playfully glares. I think I mumble “sorry” but I honestly don’t know if the words actually made it out of my mouth.

My turn again. I’m careful this time. I try to sit down without bumping anything at all, but my efforts are for naught. I must be the clumsiest person in history! My cheeks don’t normally redden. At least I do not think so. I’m pretty certain they are now. This happened nearly every time I sat down.

Back on the bus that makes me feel like a kid, I feel eyes. Those gentle ones. The ones that glared at me when I kicked him. The ones that tried to look seriously disappointed in himself. The ones I’m afraid to look into.

My roommate and I get off the bus and head for our dorm. We open the door and I’m halfway inside.

“Hey… can I have your number?” He’s behind me. I know his voice before I turn around.

I’m smiling. I wait as he punches my number into his phone.

He doesn’t have to ask for my name.