because God brought it back up again…

Last night I swear my body thought I had just had caffeine. I hadn’t, I promise… well, unless you count the small amount in a chai tea latte seven hours earlier (which shouldn’t have still been in my system, given the amount of times I pee in a day).

But anyway… I was laying there awake and suddenly God was there and he brought back that picture of my fisted hands holding all those paper slips that I talked about yesterday.

And He said… let them all fall to the floor.

Let the wind catch them up in her heavy sighs (did I mention it was storming last night?).

Let the birds use them as bedding in their nests.

Let them all go.

Rest.

All of them, God?

You mean… I don’t have to hold on to them?

I must have missed the point yesterday… or at least one of them… because even if I hold on to the “right things” I am still holding on. I am still trying to control (my default setting). I’m still holding on to things the things that I try to do to be.

I’m not grasping to God and who He says I am. I am not just being and then letting the doing flow out of freedom. 

And somehow, strangely, mysteriously, God wants me to be more than He wants me to do… maybe even instead of the doing? He wants me to be free.

I am letting all my slips of paper go. I will watch them be caught up in the wind. I will smile as the birds sleep and lay eggs on them. Because they aren’t me. They do not make me.

But they would make lovely nests…

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