There have been plenty of times that I’ve been asked in the past eight months, “so, how are you feeling about having two?”
And my answer has changed as quickly and unpredictably as the wind, my hormones, and my toddler’s ability to sit still.
I think I’m feeling okay about it, or nervous, or really excited! or scared out of my mind!!! … you get the idea.
And usually people’s reactions when I talk about the less-than-pleasant feelings of having two kids, two under two, two boys, going through the newborn experience again, is something like “oh you’ll be fine, you’ve got tons more experience now and you have it figured out after the first baby and after how difficult Eli was as an infant you’re prepared for just about anything!”
Well, no… I don’t and I’m not.
There will be less shock factor. The shock of going from not-a-mommy to a mommy is a one-time thing. The shock of going from living with just my husband to living with my husband and a tiny human is a one-time thing, too. The shock of going from pregnant to not-pregnant, and of going from having one kid to two… those will still be here.
But as far as figuring things out…
The one thing that I have “figured out” is that there is no figuring it out.
There were times that I thought I was figuring things out. The nights that Eli didn’t wake up every hour, the days that he would nap somewhere other than on my left shoulder, the days he didn’t cry seventy-five percent of the time that he was awake… and each time I thought that I was getting smarter, “better”, maybe earning my way into the mom-club of mom’s who know what they’re doing… well, not long after that I’d once again be convinced that I was no good at anything, especially being a mom, or a wife-and-mom combined.
Did I figure out how to live comfortably and sanely and always-happily with a newborn when Eli was tiny? Nope. But I did learn that it won’t kill me. I will survive. The baby will survive. My marriage will survive. Somehow, my faith survived. And really that is all that occurred – survival.
But I am now convinced that that is enough…surviving and letting God’s grace take the rest… that I don’t have to figure it out. And because of that, and only that, this time will be different.