crocheted mushroom… feeling coming back

The other day, in the middle of completely unrelated errands, I passed a Michael’s and went in. I had a sudden urge to crochet a sock monkey hat for my little monkey boy… and the only yarn I had at home had become a surrogate litter box for my cat one day, when I forgot to clean his box out for weeks.

I immediately found the yarn I wanted but when I got home… a sock monkey hat did not appear. This little guy did:

I used the pattern here.

Lately, I’m feeling something come back that I haven’t felt in a while.

Long ago (before college) I used to sketch. I used to paint. I used to crochet. I wrote poems and sometimes I even shared them, those most intimate parts of my heart, with others.

And then I was hurt… I was criticized by someone, simply for the reason to hurt me. Their words and actions said I wasn’t up-to-par. I wasn’t good enough for them, I was selfish. I was just not good. And so I stopped. I stopped doing the things that I knew were the truest parts of me.

I’m reading Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman… and it has begun to free a part of me that had been locked up so long I thought it had died forever. The permission to create… the permission to be me and do what I was made to do, without reservation and without worry of what someone else may think of it (what they think of me), or their expectations or my own expectations, built from my imaginary ones of others.

For although I’ve created here and there for the past year or so… it has still all been done with reservation… with fear and LOTS of anxiety and the underlaying questions of “am I selfish? Am I not good?”

Oh but now I know… now I know that being good is not the question… being HIS is.

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15 thoughts on “crocheted mushroom… feeling coming back

  1. I know that rejection – and the sting when it is was something from the heart which was criticized…I found that the rejection from others really just re-enforced my own self-rejection…when I quite rejecting myself (as the Lord revealed it to me and healed me), I had more strength to not receive the rejection of others…interesting isn’t it, the way our beliefs work?!

    • YES! Yes yes and yes. Rejection enforces self-rejection… and funny how praise (when I take it too far, and don’t just take it for what it is) enforces self-expectations! *sigh* yes, so interesting how we work.

  2. Oh, you poor thing. Creating is the one thing that keeps me going through many many trials and storms. I know it’s the outlet God has given for me to reach out to others. I’m praying that as you begin afresh, that He pours in His healing…that you’re able to forgive those rotten words and move beyond into the fullness of what He has created you for, and that, my dear, is to be CREATIVE!

    Praying His blessings on you today!

  3. You have found a lovely group of ladies to share your heart with. I am reading some great books lately too. I have Emily Freemans book on my list once Ive whittled down the pile. Id like to suggest Rory Nolands book “the heart of the artist”. He speaks on ALL of the arts so not just fine art. I am seeing there is a huge community of hurting artists and a ministry in the church. God is a creator and I know he put that creative energy in us for beautiful reasons. Another incredible read that is changing me is “One thousand gifts” by Ann Voskamp. I cant wait to see what you share and watch your creative self blossom on “sneak peek” Fridays!

    • Thank you so much! I will definitely look for Rory Nolands book and I have actually been thinking of reading Ann Voskamp’s, too… your suggestion has convinced me I must read it :)
      And yes, what a lovely group of ladies :)

  4. I am so sorry to hear someone had to hurt you like that. I am so happy for you that you are starting to create and do what you are made to do. I wrote a post for (in)courage about embracing our gifts with no fear… http://www.incourage.me/2011/08/no-fear.html. Thank you so much for sharing your hear with us ‘in the studio’ and I look forward to seeing more of your creative heart! Love the mushroom by the way! :)

    • I love your post! Thank you. That is so true of me – I have never said “I am an artist” … when I was little it was always “when I grow up I want to be an artist” and then as I grew it became “I like to _____” (fill the blank with whatever artsy phase I was going through at the time!).
      I must admit, after reading Janie’s post and then yours, and thinking about my art as a verb and not a noun, and thinking of “artist” as something I was made as and not something that I have to acheive… it’s all helping. Jennifer, your “sneak peek” Fridays have been a healing place for me… thank you…

  5. That’s so good that you’re getting your confidence back again. I’ve only discovered my personal passion in the last few years and it really gives me a sense of strength, a sense of self – regardless of what level of skill I possess. And that is not selfish. So keep, keeping on with what gives you that sense of self. And for the record – I admire anyone who can knit or crotchet!

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