All too often I find myself wondering all sorts of “what if”s. Especially the past 5 months with all of Eli’s doctor’s visits, diagnoses, prescriptions and whatnot, it is so hard not to blame myself… to wonder “what if I had (fill in the blank here with all sorts of thoughts), maybe that wouldn’t have happened to him.”
I do it with other things, too. With past mistakes, with past conversations, with friendships that have dissolved or changed or… lots of things.
I have known for a while that it is very hard for me to let go of things in the past, especially things that I feel I can blame myself for (whether it was my fault or not). My husband asks me “why are you thinking about that?” and I don’t know that I’ve had a good answer but now… but now I think I know.
The past is comfortable. It’s familiar. I’ve been there before. I know that place, even if I didn’t – and don’t – like it.
Moving on is unknown. If I choose to let go of false, or even justified, guilt, to let go of the past and all of the could-have’s and should-have’s and if-only’s and all the things that happened… that means that I have to move on to the what-will. And I don’t know what will be. It’s untreaded ground, at least in my case. I forget that to my Father, my God and my Savior it is not untreaded. He has been there and He knows and He has it all mapped out and He is leading me through good things, to good things, even if I can not see where I am at the moment. Even if sometimes it doesn’t feel good. Even though sometimes I get myself all worked up over what I can’t see and get scared.
He’s good. And I want to trust that He is good. And I am scared to let go of the familiarity of my what-if’s but I know that He will help me if I ask Him to… if I ask for opportunities to let go of them, and for Him to hold my hand through it.