I am not able to stick to lists.
It doesn’t work. I’ve tried. I suppose that it isn’t exactly that I am not able to, but after a bit I get too concerned with the list and not the things on the list.
I become too concerned that I didn’t do laundry on laundry day.
I didn’t read my Bible during my designated “God time”.
I didn’t make all of the meals that I had written out my meal plan for this week.
Our pastor’s wife said something two nights ago, to which I had to tell myself “duh!” She said that she decided years ago, right after her second daughter was born, that she needs to create expectations for herself that are realistic, based on her life and what she is really able to do. She realized that if she didn’t do this, she typically set herself up to failure.
So… maybe it’s not that I’m not a List Person. Maybe, for me and the lists I was creating, I – who am I finding am like a lot of wives and moms I know and struggle to allow myself to make mistakes, let go of guilt, and give myself grace – was simply creating too high expectations for myself.
I’m sitting here with folded piles of laundry around me for the first time in weeks. Yes, weeks. I don’t even know how many… so it could in fact be a month or more. Laundry is one of my biggest guilt-inducing chores. So, what is realistic for me, with how my life is right now? No, I will probably never have all of the laundry folded (up ’til now, that has been my goal – the place in my laundry-folding world where I will feel accomplished and satisfied with my work – and myself). To be honest, with a 3-month-old, with my Eli, that is not realistic. At the moment, my goal was to fold this one basket of laundry. I did it. The closet still holds a mountain of clothes so huge that I’m starting to worry that Narnia or some other world might have taken up residence there… but for now that’s okay.